![]() But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. #204: If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. #200: Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. #191: I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. #178: I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. #155: Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. #153: As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back again, I sat there thinking about life. #151: I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake! First of all, did I say it was a poison feather? That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. ![]() #148: What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it. #144: If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. #143: Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship. #116: I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. #115: If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic. Then, at the very end, there's a page that can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. #101: I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. " What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate works-"mank" and " ind. #98: Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. ![]() The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. #81: If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. #70: Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. #33: The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. #31: Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. #2: If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. #1: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. ![]()
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